It’s 6:30 a.m. on the fourth Monday of December 2020 and shame just hit me with the figurative force of a freight train. I am talking blindsided – Mid-aimless scroll through Instagram, stumbling across a post that reminded me of my most sin-filled days and being completely flooded with disgust for my failures.

As I am writing this, my heart is racing, my stomach is turning and I still haven’t managed to shake all of my anger, disappointment for the name I made for myself, and the heartache I feel for letting down my people, myself and my God.

Looking back on those times, I see two different versions of myself. They were separate and the same. The naivety of one led to the formation of the other which in turn began to influence the me I once knew.

I know it is easy to assume from an outsiders perspective that the versions we make of ourselves in early adulthood are entirely intentional and well formulated, but truthfully, the bad in me wasn’t formed in an act of rebellion or some intentional pursuit of an edgier life.

Rather, it was a byproduct of shooting aimlessly into the dark towards all the dreams I grew up dreaming – finding a husband and raising a family, having positive relationships with anyone and everyone I came in contact with and being in the know on all the latest trends and top charts.

I wanted to love, be loved and be able to relate to everyone I came in contact with.

Unfortunately, that all came with a price and that price was my peace, my faith, my boundaries, and my general well-being.

So here are a few words of caution and confirmation from an insider:

1. Don’t sacrifice yourself in the process. Not in an attempt to relate to those you come in contact with, not in the pursuit of pleasing others, and I can’t emphasize this next one enough – especially not in your search for love.
2. Let your no be no. Seriously. Don’t budge. I could explain this more but I think you will know which no’s really need defended.
3. Be intentional in who you are. I still believe the ability to appeal to people in a way that is relevant to who they are is invaluable and think it is necessary at times to make inconsequential or positive changes in our lives to better serve our relationships. But first, you MUST be sure you know who you are, who you want to become and what boundaries need to be in place so that you are proud of the person your decisions form you to be.
4. It’s okay to make people mad. Not everyone has your best interest at heart and because of that, not everyone should have access to you.
5. It’s okay if they think you are failure. Don’t lose grasp of the reality that we are all human. While you may put a lot of stock in the opinions of others, they are no less human than you, thus no less capable of fallacy and failure.
6. It’s okay to just not fit in. You don’t have to be okay with who they are at the end of the day, but you do have to be okay with who you are. Stand behind your convictions and preserve your peace of mind.

And finally, when shame strikes, step forward. Move in a positive direction with the lessons you learn from your stumbles in hand. We all have cobwebs that need dusted away, but take it from me, the bones are good and still hold the potential to house a beautiful life.

As you go into this new year, I hope you shake off your shame and step into the beautiful future that is yet to be imagined.

I love you, my friends and pray 2021 is a year of great intention and dedication to developing the you, you truly want to be.

To a better us,

Heather Martindale